Will I have to talk about my childhood?

A lot of people wonder and worry even about this when thinking about therapy: will I have to talk about my childhood?

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And I completely understand why. For some people, the idea feels overwhelming and a stage of life that they feel they've already dealt with. Others worry it’ll drag them into the past when what they want is help with what’s happening right now.

So, do you have to talk about your childhood in therapy?

The short answer is no.

Therapy is your space. You get to decide what feels important to bring.

That said ... sometimes it is really helpful, essential even and here's why.

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Childhood is where we first have to learn how to handle our emotions, how to deal with conflict, or how to cope when our needs weren’t adequately met, or worse when bad or uncomfortable things happened to us. Those old lessons often show up in the present without us even realising and can be a powerful insight for individual therapy.

Looking back at these experiences and how we responded can give us insight into why certain situations seem to trigger the same reaction and response, over and over again.

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In relationship therapy childhood can matter too, because both parties bring their own histories into the relationship. For example, maybe one person grew up in a family where arguments were loud and direct, while the other grew up in a family where conflict was avoided at all costs. When those two styles meet, it can create a cycle that feels confusing and frustrating. By looking at those histories together, people often find more empathy for each other and new ways of connecting in the present. I often hear 'wow, I never knew that you experienced that as a child.'

And childhoods can sometimes help explain why some relationships just clicked from the outset. What counsellors call the unconscious fit in a relationship. Understanding this can make it easier to see why things have suddenly got out of harmony. And how to rectify and change things.

But sometimes going back just isn’t what’s needed.

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If the most pressing thing in your life is responding to stress at work, or recovering from a painful betrayal, or facing a big decision, then that might be where the focus belongs. Therapy is about meeting you with empathy where you are, not uncovering a story that doesn’t feel relevant.

So, will you have to talk about your childhood? Only if you want to.

Sometimes it opens doors. Sometimes it’s not the path that helps. My role isn’t to help you down one road or another, it’s to walk alongside you, while you decide which road feels right.

Get in touch: allanfowlietherapy@gmail.com